:3 prose piece; Oct 5th.

Today, I sent my dad an important document regarding my FAFSA. I sent it through email. I made my mom a grilled cheese.

I had went to the mall about a week ago, and I visited the bookstore inside. I found and bought Angela’s Ashes. I had read ‘Tis when I was a teenager. I bought my new book using my dad’s credit card; I’m still looking around for work, I’m not financially independent yet. | I think I’ll finish my undergraduate certificate in videography and video editing, while I complete unpaid internships in video editing. I’ll apply for jobs in the field once I’m done with school. | I recently did a degree in English literature and liberal studies; I finished in winter ‘21. I’m not going to go in the literature/liberal arts direction, though. I’ve decided to go for visual media production, instead. (It was a long and bumpy road, in college. My humanities program wasn’t the right choice for me, at all. I had originally wanted to go into book and magazine editing. I had wanted to work for politically and socially conscious book publishers; small, independent presses; and publishers that produce socially relevant content, ideas that promote justice and equity. I also considered paralegal work; teaching language arts or ESL; grant writing; and nonprofit program coordination. I eventually decided against all of these options, even though they’re all good options, without doubt. They would have fit me if it wasn’t for my cognitive difficulties, extreme introversion, and newly-developed indifference towards those fields. Funnily enough, I also considered things like graphic design and animation arts—-I enjoy hand-drawing quite a lot, and I thought I should turn my interest in it into a career. But I think these days I’m settling into video editing; helping small businesses and nonprofits with their visual media production, and post-production. I think a lot of organizations need this type of work done for them; and the work itself gives me joy, I think. It should be ok; hopefully everything will be ok.)

| I’ve done a lot of doodles, drawings, and sketches, for the past seven years. I haven’t had a “normal conversation” with either of my two (older) siblings, for a while.

I have to finish filling out my paperwork, so that I can submit them and get registered with my new psychiatrist’s office. I’m trying to get registered with a private practice. I actually tried to go back to my local public clinic, but the front office told me that they’re not currently accepting new patients. I tried to explain to her (via phone) that I was a patient there for five years, in the past—and that I would just like to re-register. I’m experiencing symptoms that I think might be related to my medication, my disorder. But she told me they’re not currently accepting any more patients. Aren’t they a public clinic, though? Aren’t they supposed to at least put me on a waiting list—even if I’d have to wait for a long time. They were supposed to put me on a waiting list, I think. I don’t think a government-funded mental health center is supposed to be “full.” All of the psychiatrists are completely booked, I guess? All of them? It’s supposed to be a public clinic.

| I’ve recently applied to a couple of internships, for video editing. I sent them a couple of links to videos I’d created/edited, and that I’d uploaded to my YouTube channel; video films. (They were about nature, music, finding peace, and etc.) I did so as part of my resume to them, as part of my application. I tried to present the best application for myself, possible.

I have a good personal library, in my room. I have my Kindle too, for my e-books. I guess reading does help a lot, it helps with emotional disturbance and anguish. I like Man’s Search For Meaning, by Victor Frankl; and I like Angela’s Ashes and ‘Tis, by Frank McCourt, as aforementioned. Living through the Holocaust as a personal victim; and living through poverty and difficult labor as an Irish immigrant to the U.S., are both redemptive tales—they tell you a lot about the more-important things in life.

I’ve recently begun to tell myself that as long as I have taken care of myself hygienically; and as long as I have gotten some of my work done throughout the day—whether schoolwork, volunteer work, or job-related work; and as long as I tried to get some of my poetry/short essay collection done (I’m trying to work on a poetry/short essay collection)—then it was “a good day,” by default. The day was a good day if I had gotten those three tasks worked on substantially, those daily tasks. I’ve started to not expect great results if I don’t put in work, and I’ve started to plan my days around some very core principles and habits that I think are especially good (beneficial) for me. I’ve chosen those three principles as my guiding “to-dos,” throughout the day. I think having two or three general items to reach for and accomplish throughout the day has helped me a lot. It gives me a “productive compass,” similar to how a moral compass might guide you towards the values/ethical principles that are most important to you. (This is not to say that there aren’t many other tasks and responsibilities that I want to get done throughout the day–cleaning my surroundings, preparing regular meals, looking after my health, keeping up with friends and family, and etc. Getting fresh air, going outside; trying to read certain texts in the hopes of understanding things better, understanding the world better; prayer and meditation; and etc. And so there are many items that I would like to accomplish throughout the day. But I think the aforementioned three are the core, ‘bare minimum’ ones that I revolve around, consciously.)

I’m hopeful about everything; it’ll be ok. I need to continue to let go of certain painful memories and occurrences that had happened in the past. I’ll take all my toxic thoughts and I’ll lay them at a stream or a creek, somewhere. “I’ll take all these bad things, and I’ll lay them at the shore,” as in the song “Song For Mia,” by Lizz Wright. I’d first heard this song in the movie The Secret Life of Bees; I’d watched this with my mom, a few weeks ago. Film and music are life; I live vicariously, through them. I guess finding peace through immaterial means is a better idea, though. People, places, and things, and even creative content, often lose their spark after a while. Or they contain many discomforting things (elements), from the beginning. And so I try to not rely on anything in particular; I try to heal from my pain in organic and natural ways. It’s very discreet, very come-what-may.
As for all the bad things that had happened in the past, especially the things that I felt were bullying, and of a cruel nature; god is still good. We’ve all been there. I feel that certain people had not treated me fairly, in the past; they’d overstepped their lines, they’d crossed boundaries in ways that felt violent. Violent intentions, and etc. But why worry. How people view you and how they treat you, especially, is not your fault. ‘His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.’
I just have to keep letting go of toxicity, toxic thoughts. Life is such that you’re going to have good times and bad times, both. It’s made up of the good and the bad. Recognizing the strength of the human spirit has helped me the most, I think. Engaging in what I like to do, my main interests, helps me through all of my daily challenges.

I’m happy to be here. I think life is good in essence, despite the negativities. I often felt like the odd one out; I often felt targeted in negative ways, throughout my life. Couldn’t say why. This goes with the positive and negative duality of life, though. “The Lord has promised good to me, His word my hope secures; He will my shield and portion be, as long as life endures.” -‘amazing grace.’